Sitting with unwanted resilience
As support coordinators, we speak to people from all walks of life. Everyone is different, each person carrying their own history and way of making sense of what they have been through. And yet, there are parts of these experiences that repeat themselves. The pain, the grief, the sadness and the anger. The confusion, the difficulty of navigating the medical world, and the feeling of not being heard or understood by the people around them.
Our role as support coordinators is to meet all of this with validation. To reiterate that what you are feeling makes sense. That this is hard, and that your experience matters. After every call or after every email exchange, we often find ourselves wishing that our service users could see themselves the way we see them. Because while we do see the grief and the pain, we also see the effort it takes to keep going. We see people getting through days that feel impossible. We see people reaching out, asking questions, and finding ways to carry on. There is a kind of resilience there, even if it does not feel like it from the inside.
But the truth is, this is not a resilience anyone has chosen. Miscarriage is one of those experiences where you are forced to continue, whether you feel ready or not. People often say things starting with “at least...” or other well-meaning but oftentimes just placating words that may come from a place of care, yet they can feel distant from what is actually needed in the moment. The reality is that this is a traumatic experience, and being strong is not always a choice. Sometimes it is simply what is left when there are no other options... And that can feel deeply unfair.
We want to offer a space where there is no expectation to be strong, to move on, or to find meaning in what has happened. Whether that’s by creating that space in a one-to-one chat or whether you’d prefer to create that space with others in our virtual support group. Another initiative we started this year is our Cuppas and Crafts group, where the focus is to stay in the moment by engaging in a crafty project, finding comfort in a cup of your choice and connecting with others through chats.
Whatever feels best for you, know you are allowed to feel whatever you feel, and we are here to sit with you in that, just as you are.