The Burden That Comes With Asking for Support – and How To Lessen It
What does asking for support mean to you? A question that comes up time and time again in our chats, and perhaps one you haven’t had the chance to sit with for a while.
Loneliness is a common theme in conversations around grief. It can feel so overwhelming, this deep chasm of sadness, numbness, confusion… and with it, a sense of disconnection from yourself and those around you. You’re in survival mode, unsure how to engage with anything and perhaps you don’t even want to - and that’s okay… until it isn’t. There often comes a point where we begin to long for something comforting, to be held, to be understood, to be supported... But even then, we don’t always know where to start. Whether it’s difficult family dynamics, a partner working offshore, or friends who are navigating their own challenges, it can become easy to convince ourselves that asking for support makes us a burden. Maybe we don’t want to worry others, maybe past experiences have taught us that asking for help doesn’t end well, or maybe it just all feels hopeless anyway.
There are many reasons we support coordinators hear every day as to why reaching out feels hard, but when we gently break it down, it often comes back to a simple yet powerful feeling of overwhelm that comes with being vulnerable. One of the reasons asking for support can feel so overwhelming is that, especially in times of grief and disconnection, identifying our own needs is difficult, and yet, it’s an essential part of being able to ask for support in a way that feels helpful. In conversations, we often see a few core needs come up. The key is to explore what these needs are and think of what would feel most comforting. You can also ask your partner or friends/family to help identify what would help. This can be a helpful place to start exploring this:
Security
Grief often brings with it a sense of the unknown, be it confusion, instability, emotional overwhelm... It can feel as though our sense of safety has been taken from us. This may show up as a need for both emotional and physical security.
Some ways this might sound:
“I need you to communicate clearly with me right now and answer any follow-up questions I have, please.”
“I need you to hold me for a little while, please.”
“Can I talk through what’s going on for me right now without being interrupted or offered solutions, please?”
“I feel unable to make decisions at the moment. I’d really appreciate it if you could decide XYZ for me, please.”
Physical needs
When we’re grieving, tending to our basic needs can become surprisingly difficult. Coming back to the body, even in simple ways, can help us identify what’s needed, which is where mindfulness exercises can come in handy, and, in turn, make it easier to communicate that to others.
“I don’t have the capacity to cook right now. Would you be able to bring me something to eat or help me with meals, please?”
“I’m finding it hard to remember to eat and drink, could you message me to remind me to eat or drink a few times today?”
“I feel I need to get out of the house for a bit. Would you be able to go for a short walk with me?”
“My stomach feels uncomfortable. Could you refill my hot water bottle, please?”
Connection
Grief can leave us feeling like we’re on the outside looking in, even when we’re surrounded by people who care about us. That disconnection can be quiet at first, but over time it can grow, shaping how we experience the world and those within it. But connection doesn’t always need to mean deep, meaningful conversation (though sometimes it will). Often, it’s about gentle reminders that we’re not alone. Sometimes, connection looks like a quiet presence rather than words and allowing ourselves to ask for that can take some of the pressure away.
“I don’t have much energy to talk, but could you sit with me for a while?”
“Would you mind sending me a voice note today, just so I can hear a familiar voice?”
“Can we watch something together without needing to chat?”
“Could you check in with me later, even just a quick message?”
“Could you keep me company and distract me for a little while?”
Regulation
When everything in our heads feels too much to cope with, our nervous system often reflects that. We might feel overstimulated, frozen, anxious, or completely shut down. In these moments, having a person on the outside gently guide us through what we’re feeling can feel really helpful:
“I’m feeling really overwhelmed. Could you help me slow things down by breaking things down with me?” On this note, we recommend creating lists together; writing things down can help a lot.
“Can you sit with me while I focus on my breathing?”
“I feel quite panicked, could you help me ground myself by shaking with me/breathing with me/holding me?” If you don’t know where to start, check out some ideas on our website here
“Can we do something calming together, like a short walk or crafting together?”
It’s okay if you don’t have the exact words. Even naming the feeling and asking someone to be alongside you while you figure it out can be enough. When we begin to break things down like this, asking for support can start to feel a little less like this huge, undefined task and more like small, manageable pieces. Instead of “I need help,” which can feel heavy and hard to hold, it becomes “I need this, right now, in this moment.” By doing this, you’re able to make needing “help” manageable for you and the person helping you.
And even then, it can still feel difficult. That voice might still show up, the one that tells us we’re too much, that we should handle things on our own, that others already have enough to carry. That voice can be loud, especially if it’s one we’ve listened to for a long time. But just because that voice exists doesn’t mean it’s telling the truth.
Something to remember is this: what would it be like to see asking for support as a skill, rather than a flaw? Skills take time. They take practice, patience, and gentleness with ourselves when it doesn’t come naturally. And yes, this can feel uncomfortable at first; we might get it wrong sometimes, but with time, they can begin to feel more familiar and more easily accessible.
You don’t have to start big. In fact, it often helps if you don’t. Start small, just one need, one ask, one person who feels relatively safe. Be as specific as you can, even if it feels a bit unfamiliar. Notice what happens, not just in how someone responds, but in how it feels for you to ask. And if it doesn’t go the way you hoped, that matters too. Not because it confirms you’re a burden, but because it gives you information. Maybe that person doesn’t have the capacity right now, or maybe they need clearer guidance. It doesn’t mean your need is wrong or that you’re too much. You are allowed to be held in your grief. And learning how to ask for that, in ways that feel manageable and true to you, is not a burden. It’s a way of taking care of yourself in the middle of something incredibly difficult. And if you ever feel you need support to start this, just message us via email: advice@miss-support.org.uk. You’ve got this. And you are not alone.
With love and care,
Your MISS support team