All I want for Christmas is to be able to feel what I need to feel

Christmas songs are a constant background hum, often singing of love, light and laughter at this magical time of year. A song that can usually make your heart soar may hit differently when you are grieving the loss of your precious baby, however. Even routine tasks like visiting the dentist or grabbing your favourite coffee can come with the inevitable ‘Are you ready for Christmas?’ questions. We know they are well-meaning, but they can be so difficult to answer when you are coping with the devastation of miscarriage, and the unknowns about whether to answer truthfully or feign a smiling response before the tears begin to fall.

Many of the courageous people who speak with our support team want to know how they can include their babies at Christmas time. Our answer is that anything that you choose to do, or not do, during the festive season needs to feel authentic to you. For some, hanging a bauble on the tree helps them to feel closer to their baby at this time of year, while others prefer marking this time digitally through something like placing a brick on our Memorial Wall — MISS. Some bereaved parents channel their grief into something uplifting, like a charity run or a bake sale. Others may get a tattoo or a piece of jewellery made so they can carry their baby with them always. Many choose to plant seeds so that when their garden is in bloom in the future, they will have a private space for Remembrance.

Going for a bracing walk has woven its way into many people’s Christmas traditions. MISS are honoured to have worked with Aberdeen SANDS on the creation of our beautiful Forget-Me-Not Memorial Gardens — MISS, which is open throughout the year for anyone wishing to take a stroll. Writing a letter to your baby and posting it in our bespoke beehive post-box can also be a touching way of remembering your little one at this time of year.

There is so much pressure for Christmas to be perfect and filled with only joy and laughter. This is so often not the case at the best of times, let alone when your heart is breaking. We want you to know that, however your Christmas looks this year, it is all valid. If you have a day where you are fizzing with excitement from 5 am, we are delighted for you, as you absolutely deserve guilt-free fun. Equally, if you’d rather cancel all your plans and spend your day cocooned in a cosy blanket with a box of tissues and a tub of chocolates on your lap, that is also absolutely allowed. You do not have to put on an exhausting mask this Christmas. You can tailor your day to allow you to feel whatever is coming up for you in each moment, as ‘those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind’.