Supporting others through loss
1 in 4 women will suffer a miscarriage or pregnancy loss, which means that we will all know and love people who have been affected by this.
Due to the stigma around pregnancy loss, a lot of us feel uncomfortable and out of our depth when trying to be there emotionally for our loved ones, and are unsure how to best support them. Here are some ways you can be a better support…
Listen Empathetically
Firstly, we need to understand that no amount of words will help someone who is grieving. We may not like seeing them upset or low but they need to be given the space to feel every single emotion without fear of judgment. Allow them to feel what they feel in the moment without trying to “cheer them up.” Or trying to “fix” the issue or offer solutions.
Listen empathetically if they wish to speak about their grief and experiences, or gently hold space if they wish to remain silent. Empathy is generally described as the ability to take on another's perspective, to understand, feel, and possibly, share and respond to their experience.
Empathetic responses usually entail repeating back to the other person how they are feeling…
“I hear that you are devastated, that is really tough, I am here for you.”
“I can see that you’re really upset about this, you’re not alone.”
“That sounds really emotional and hard”
“This sounds really confusing and upsetting.”
We would not say to a grieving person who had just lost their parent…
“At least your other parent is still alive, be grateful.”
“Well they were 90 so don’t be sad.”
Such responses would be insensitive and inappropriate, yet so often we say similar things to someone who has miscarried.
“One person said ‘If it will be, it will be’. I find this to be the most pointless response.
My babies were loved and very much wanted.”
This short video helps with our understanding of empathy
Coping with Grief
"Don't forget that when people lose a baby, they aren't just losing a newborn. They are also losing their toddler taking their first step. Their infant starting to read. Their teenager graduating high school. Their grown child getting married to the love of their life. They are losing every magical moment... In the blink of an eye, the future was erased".
Zoe Clark-Coates sayinggoodbye.org
Whether the baby was 5 weeks gestation or 5 months gestation or 5 years old, the loss and heartache can remain the same. Many women and partners try to downplay their loss by comparing their loss and grief to another… “I shouldn’t feel this way when so-and-so had it worse than me.” Comparing only leads to shame and guilt and hinders the healing process. Feelings around loss are valid, even if someone else “had it worse” Grief is grief. Trauma is trauma. Loss is loss.
Your loved one’s feelings are valid and however long it takes them to grieve is the appropriate amount of time for them. So many women and partners come to us saying “It’s been a while but I still feel sad, everyone seems to think I should be over it” and that isn’t helpful to the healing process. There is no timeline to grief and there is no finish line to grief, contrary to popular belief.
Most of us were told there are five stages of grief and that the very end is “acceptance” but what we weren’t told is that the “stages of grief” model was only created for those who have loved ones with a terminal illness. Not those who have lost loved ones in other ways. Those who have suffered a loss often get discouraged by the fact that they aren’t reaching the next stage of grief as quickly as they thought. What we need to understand about grief is we will go through all these stages, at different levels of intensity throughout life.
Time does not “heal all wounds” this idea is a myth and the sooner we understand that, the sooner we can learn how to live with the loss we have experienced.
Picture a circle, this is you. Shade it grey… That is your grief.
At first, grief feels all-consuming and the circle is completely shaded. But over time that outer circle, (the rest of you) starts to expand. Rather than your grief shrinking, this model envisions your life growing. The circle gets larger and even though your grief stays the same size, it stops being all consuming.
Facing grief head-on can be exhausting. Instead, we can oscillate between things that remind us of our pain “loss-oriented stressors” like photos or memories - and things that distract us - anything from work to exercise, which are ‘restoration-oriented strategies’
As we move between the two naturally, we are able to come to terms with, not ‘get over’ the loss in manageable amounts. We reach a balance.
"I know that the sadness around our losses will always be there and I will have to make room for that sadness no matter what the future brings."
Healing and Support
Help your loved one channel their grief in their own way. We must feel it to heal it and these are some ways your loved one can help begin the healing process...
Give them a safe, judgement-free space to talk about their story (as much as they need)
Attend a support group
Express themselves through art and creative journaling
They can write about their story
Encourage them to write a letter to their baby, expressing all the things they wish they could say to them
Remember baby in some way, plant a tree, have a memorial, make some keepsakes,
request a memory box
Reach out to others who have been through similar
Most importantly, make sure your loved one knows they are not alone.
You Are Not Alone.
The path through pregnancy loss can feel isolating, but support is available. Explore our Resources page to find the organisations and initiatives offering comfort and guidance during a difficult time.
