A Different Pathway
Not everybody ends up with their ‘rainbow baby’, or family size they yearned for. This section provides information for those affected by miscarriage and who have decided not to, or cannot, continue trying to conceive and are coming to terms with childlessness. It is also relevant to those who cannot extend their families due to miscarriage. The two are separated in recognition of their important differences.
For some, they may seek alternative ways to parenthood, including adoption or fostering. However, for many, such pathways are not always possible or desired, and adoption/fostering is not the automatic next step. Adoption/fostering is not a ‘magic wand’/solution for childlessness. However, we provide information for those who wish to consider this pathway.
Reasons for Taking a Different Pathway
There are various reasons which contribute to taking a different pathway and/or stopping trying to conceive. It is often not a decision, rather one that is forced upon us, including, but not limited to:
Miscarriage trauma
Relationship breakdown
Partner not wanting to continue
Recurrent miscarriage
Physical ill health
Mental health illness(es)
Age
Unexplained infertility
Secondary infertility
Financial issues
Starting to prepare for adoption/fostering
Common Feelings
Common emotions experienced when stopping trying to conceive, or deciding not to try again include:
Grief
Sense of failure
Low mood and depression
Anxiety
Isolation
Guilt
Self-doubt
Relief that the journey has come to an end
Thinking About Stopping Trying to Conceive
It may help to think of stopping trying to conceive as a process and not a clear cut decision you must make and then stick to. It’s normal to make and reverse the decision several times as you work through your feelings – and you may change your mind. Even allowing yourself to think about stopping is a huge step. However, it can also be empowering and gradually give you a sense of control, and breathing space to imagine other potential futures.
Support for those unable to extend their family due to miscarriage
The grief associated with being unable to extend your family due to miscarriage is often overlooked. You may receive comments that you should be grateful for the child (or children) you have. People may not understand this type of grief because it isn’t tangible and isn’t spoken about. It may be assumed that as you already have a child (or children) that your family must be complete, or that you have made the choice not to extend your family due to other reasons. You may also feel guilty for not giving your existing child/children and other family members a sibling/another grandchild etc. This can be extremely difficult to process.
Accepting having ‘an only child’
Sometimes miscarriage means that you cannot have another child, this may be biological or psychological.
You may experience triggering conversations when you have one child as there are often societal expectations for people to have two or more children.
“People always ask – ‘do you have other kids?’ When I say no, they reply things like ‘Oh well you better get cracking, he’ll be lonely, he’ll be spoilt, it’s cruel on him if you don’t give him a sibling’. It hurts me so deeply”.
It may feel as though you have made this choice, and so your grief is not legitimate. However, your feelings are valid.
Some people may feel guilty for being ‘ungrateful’, or ‘dissatisfied’ with the number of children they have.
You may feel especially guilty for those who cannot have any children, and while this can help to put your feelings into perspective sometimes, your feelings are also valid.
When others announce that they are having more children, this can be difficult. It can be hard to relate to them as they discuss the struggles of raising more than one child. You may be told that you are ‘lucky’ that you don’t have more, can give more time and money to your child etc.
It can be excruciating to watch your child with other children and imagining how wonderful they would be as a brother/sister.
Support
Counselling can be extremely beneficial to discuss grief of a lost future with someone outside of your family/friendship group. It is a good idea to select a counsellor based on their expertise (i.e., who specialise in pregnancy loss/miscarriage, and ambiguous loss/grief).
Support for Those Childless Due to Miscarriage
For those who don’t have biological children, the grief of childlessness due to miscarriage can feel insurmountable. Processing this grief can be a difficult and lonely place (including within the miscarriage community as many go on to have their ‘rainbow babies’).
“It’s hard to explain to pain of losing something you never had. Something that was never more than an expectation, a dream – at most, a cluster of cells” (Jessica Hepburn).
The grief is recurring, and different life events can bring it back to the surface again, for example, pregnancy announcements, menopause and when friends become grandparents.
“Childlessness due to miscarriage evokes a significant, yet disenfranchised grief. The grief is also multifaceted - there’s the loss of the baby/babies, the loss of a future, of parenthood and dreams. Sometimes also lose their relationship. Society does not recognise this grief which intensifies the experience” (Katy Schnitzler).
It can be extremely difficult, if not impossible, to be around children and that is okay. You don’t have to put yourself in any distressing situation. It isn’t selfish to put boundaries in place while processing this grief.
Jody Day has written a fantastic article on the topic of childlessness due to miscarriage: https://gateway-women.com/childlessness-after-miscarriage-the-untold-story-a-guest-blog-for-tommys-charity/
-
Adoption and fostering are not a solution to childlessness/not being able to have any more children, and there are societal and personal pressures to have your own biological children. However, if adoption/fostering is something you might consider, this section provides some information.
Adoption and/or fostering can be extremely fulfilling. However, the process can be lengthy, complex and there is also an approval procedure. Most agencies require you to not have tried to conceive for a set period of time before you can start adoption counselling. Parental age is usually a factor when very young children are matched with adoptive parents. There are other issues to also consider, including processing the grief of miscarriage, and financial factors.
-
The workplace can be restorative for people coming to terms with childlessness. However, it can also present triggers as they are largely geared towards parents. It’s of course important for parents to be given support, however, sometimes this means that people without children are not considered and even discriminated against.
“Because I don’t have children, I’ve been told that I need to work evenings and do all weekend open events”.
“My manager introduced a policy that said those with children have preferential treatment for leave during school holidays. My partner is a teacher, and we can’t have kids so we never get to take holiday together”.
Katy Schnitzler from MIST Workshops Ltd, https://www.mistworkshops.com/ provides training on miscarriage and childlessness for workplaces.
“The experience absolutely devastated us… We individually felt we had failed each other. We were both in a dark place” (Michael Hughes, The Full Stop Podcast).
-
“Childlessness is a lifelong grief that never leaves you, but with the right support you can process it” (Jody Day).
Counselling can be life changing when dealing with childlessness, however, childlessness as a grief is often overlooked, even within the therapy room.
We recommend seeking a specialist counsellor, such as Sarah Lawrence https://www.bacp.co.uk/therapists/385151/sarah-lawrence/#:~:text=I%20work%20online%20exclusively%2C%20so,who%20are%20affected%20by%20infertility
who understands the depth of the pain.
You Are Not Alone.
The path through pregnancy loss can feel isolating, but support is available. Explore our Resources page to find the organisations and initiatives offering comfort and guidance during a difficult time.
