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A Different Pathway

The journey to parenthood can be physically and emotionally demanding for some, and not everybody ends up with their ‘rainbow baby’, or the family size they yearned for. This section provides information and support for those affected by miscarriage and who have decided not to, or that they cannot, continue trying to conceive. It is also useful for those wanting to learn more to support others who are experiencing these difficult journeys. Here we provide information and resources for those coming to terms with childlessness, and for those who cannot extend their families, due to miscarriage. The two are separated in recognition of their important differences. 

 

We understand that for some people, they may seek to find alternative ways to parenthood, including adoption or fostering. However, we know that for many, such paths are not always possible or desired, and that adoption/fostering is not the automatic next step. Adoption/fostering is certainly not a ‘magic wand’, or solution for childlessness. 


Written by MISS and Katy Schnitzler (MSc, MRes, BSc Hons), Academic and Director of MIST Workshops Ltd.

  • There are various reasons which contribute to taking a different pathway and/or stopping trying to conceive. It is often not a decision, rather one that is forced upon us, including, but not limited to:

     

    • Miscarriage trauma

    • Relationship breakdown

    • Partner not wanting to continue trying to conceive 

    • Recurrent miscarriage

    • Physical ill health 

    • Mental health illness

    • Age 

    • Unexplained infertility

    • Secondary infertility 

    • Social/financial issues

    • Starting to prepare for adoption/fostering 

  • Common feelings and emotions people experience when they stop trying to conceive, or decide not to try again, can include:

     

    • A sense of loss/significant grief

    • That your body has let you down

    • An overwhelming sense of failure – as a parent, partner, man/woman.

    • Worthlessness

    • Low mood and depression

    • Insecurity

    • Anxiety

    • Constant thoughts

    • Isolation

    • Not feeling understood

    • Guilt 

    • Self-doubt 

    • Relief that the journey has come to an end

    ​

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5OEDYZ19EuE 

  • It may help to think of stopping trying to conceive as a process over time, and not a clear cut decision you must make and then stick to rigidly. It’s quite normal to make and reverse the decision to stop trying several times as you work through your feelings – and you can always change your mind. Even allowing yourself to think about stopping can feel like a huge step. However, it can also be empowering and gradually give you a sense of control, as well as breathing space to imagine other kinds of futures. 

     

    The following sections provide support for those who have come to the end of their reproductive journeys, due to miscarriage.

  • The grief associated with being unable to extend your family due to miscarriage is often overlooked. You may well receive comments telling you that you should be grateful for the child/ren you have. Some people may not understand this type of grief because it isn’t tangible/they can’t see it, and it also isn’t spoken about. It may be assumed that as you already have a child (or children) that your family must be complete, or that you have made the choice not to extend your family due to other reasons. You may also feel guilty on your existing child/children and on other family members for not giving them a sibling/another grandchild etc. This can be extremely difficult to process. 

  • Sometimes miscarriage means that you cannot have another child, this may be biological due to infertility, age, recurrent miscarriage etc., or it may be due to psychological trauma. You may experience triggering conversations when you have one child as there are often societal expectations for people to have two or more children.

     

    “People always ask – ‘do you have other kids?’ When I say no, they reply things like ‘Oh well you better get cracking, he’ll be lonely, he’ll be spoilt, it’s cruel on him if you don’t give him a sibling’. It hurts me so deeply. Society expects you to have at least two children to be complete”. 

     

    It may also feel as though you have made this choice, and so your grief is not legitimate. However, know that your grief and feelings are absolutely valid. 

     

    Some people may feel guilty for being ‘ungrateful’, or ‘dissatisfied’ with the child/ren they already have. 

     

    You may feel especially guilty for those who cannot have any children, and while this can help to put your feelings into perspective sometimes, your feelings are also valid. 

     

    When friends/family members and colleagues announce that they are having more children, this can be extremely difficult. It can be hard to relate to each another as they discuss the struggles of raising more than one child. You may be told that you are ‘lucky’ that you don’t have any more, can give more time and money to your child etc. 

     

    It can be excruciating to watch your child with other children and imagining how wonderful they would be as a brother/sister. However, there is support available.

  • Counselling can be extremely beneficial to discuss your situation, and grief of a lost future, with someone outside of your family/friendship group. It is a good idea to select a counsellor based on their expertise. In this case, you could search for counsellors who specialise in pregnancy loss/miscarriage, and ambiguous loss/grief. We recommend: 


    Julia Bueno (https://www.juliabueno.co.uk)

  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uufXWTHT60Y 

     

    For those who don’t have children, or don’t have children together, the effects of stopping trying to conceive can be especially hard and painful. 

     

    The grief of childlessness due to miscarriage is not commonly spoken about and it can feel insurmountable. Processing this type of grief can be a difficult and lonely place (including within the miscarriage community) as many go on to have their ‘rainbow babies’. The feelings of longing are often compounded by the stigma of not being a parent. 

     

    “It’s hard to explain to pain of losing something you never had. Something that was never more than an expectation, a dream – at most, a cluster of cells” (Jessica Hepburn).

     

    The grief is recurring, and different life events can bring it back to the surface again, for example, pregnancy announcements, menopause and when friends start becoming grandparents. 

     

    “Childlessness due to miscarriage evokes a significant, yet disenfranchised type of grief, The grief is multifaceted - there’s the grief of losing a baby, but also the grief of a lost future and the grief associated with not being a parent. Sometimes people also experience the grief of their lost relationship alongside. Society does not recognise miscarriage, or childlessness, as legitimate losses - and this intensifies the experience” (Katy Schnitzler).  

    ​

    It can be extremely difficult, if not impossible, to be around children and that is okay. You don’t have to put yourself in any distressing situation, and it isn’t selfish to put boundaries in place while processing this grief. 


    Jody Day has written a fantastic article for Tommy’s on the topic of childlessness due to miscarriage, which you can find here: https://gateway-women.com/childlessness-after-miscarriage-the-untold-story-a-guest-blog-for-tommys-charity/

  • The workplace can be restorative for people coming to terms with being childless not by choice. However, it can also be a place full of triggers as they are largely geared towards parents. It is of course important for parents to be given the support they need, however, sometimes this means that people without children are not considered, and even discriminated against. 

     

    “Because I don’t have children, I’ve been told that I need to work evenings and do all weekend open events”. 

     

    “My colleagues can work from home because they have children to do school runs etc.,

    but I was told that I couldn’t work from home due to miscarriage. I had to go in”. 

     

    “My manager introduced a policy that said those with children have preferential treatment for leave

    during school holidays. My partner is a teacher, and we can’t have kids so we never get to take holiday together”. 

     

    “One of my colleagues told me that I didn’t understand tiredness because I’m not a mum

    and I sobbed privately in the loos”. 

     

    Katy Schnitzler from MIST Workshops Ltd., https://www.mistworkshops.com/ provides training on childlessness for workplaces, and we recommend contacting her for organisational support. 

     

    “The experience absolutely devastated us… We individually felt we had failed each other. We were both in a dark place” (Michael Hughes, The Full Stop Podcast). 

  • “Childlessness is a lifelong grief that never leaves you, but with the right support you can process it” (Jody Day). 

     

    Counselling can be life changing when dealing with childlessness, however, childlessness as a grief is often overlooked, even within the therapy room. 

     

    We recommend seeking a specialist counsellor, such as Sarah Lawrence https://www.bacp.co.uk/therapists/385151/sarah-lawrence/#:~:text=I%20work%20online%20exclusively%2C%20so,who%20are%20affected%20by%20infertility who understand the depth of the pain. 

  • World Childless Week – takes place every September https://worldchildlessweek.net

  • We recognise that adoption and/or fostering is not a solution to childlessness/not being able to have any more children. We also recognise there are societal and personal pressures to have your own biological children. However, if adoption/fostering is something you might consider, this section provides some information and useful links. 

     

    Adoption and/or fostering can be extremely fulfilling and rewarding. However, the process can be lengthy, complex and there is also an approval procedure. Most agencies require you to not have tried to conceive for a set period of time before you can start adoption counselling. Parental age is usually a factor when very young children are matched with adoptive parents, so this may be something you need to be aware of. There are other issues to also consider, including processing the grief of miscarriage, and financial factors.

     

    Resources for further information on adoption and fostering:

     

You can contact Hope or any member of our support team directly via email or phone using the quick links below:

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